Mission: Improbable
So, an important part of a superhero's mythos is the way he or she is alerted to trouble. Superman uses his super ears to hear cries for help. Batman has the bat phone; Spiderman has spider sense. I, myself, prefer SMS or Instant Messaging.
Just last night, I was on a message board discussing whether it was misogynistic or just trite of George Lucas to have Padme die of a broken heart (and over a guy named Ani, no less). I was about to post something brilliant when my IM window popped up. Trouble! There was a break-in in progress at the First Citizens Bank. I closed my browser, zipped up my boots, and was on my way in less time than it takes to type "OMW".
I used the time it took to drive over there wisely. Using my Bluetooth connection (hands-free is a must for the superheroine on the go), I called Stewart. Stewart went to high school with my brother. He's really brilliant at Google searching, so he can get me the information I need almost instantly. He's also 38 and lives with his parents, so he's almost constantly available.
"Heey, Stewart. Did you see the new "Superman" movie trailer? The CGI looks hot, huh?"
"Yeah, Fannish. "
"So, Stewart, can you do me a favor?"
"Yeah, Fannish. Heh."
And so on. Not much of a conversationalist, is Stewart. Anyway, I had him look up information about recent bank robberies and anything he could find out about the First Citizens Bank. He did well- we determined that there had been three recent bank robberies in the area, all with the same pattern- 2 or 3 guys smashing in a side window. Pictures of First Citizens Banks showed that it, too, had a side window. Fantastic.
I arrived on the scene and saw two guys in black running away from the bank building toward a parked car. A third guy was in the car- lights out, but the engine was idling. I made my move. Sprinting toward the car, I knocked furiously on the driver-side window. Bending low enough to unleash my full powers (sigh), I said innocently, "Excuse me, sir...is this Ceti Alpha Five or Ceti Alpha Six? I'm looking for Khan...."
Enthralled, the guy started rolling down his window, while his two partners in crime scrambled to get into the car. By the time they got his attention, three police cars were rolling into the alley.
With a wink at one of the cops (that's Doug, who dreams about his Everquest girlfriend, even though she's probably played by a dude), I headed back home. My job was done.
Just last night, I was on a message board discussing whether it was misogynistic or just trite of George Lucas to have Padme die of a broken heart (and over a guy named Ani, no less). I was about to post something brilliant when my IM window popped up. Trouble! There was a break-in in progress at the First Citizens Bank. I closed my browser, zipped up my boots, and was on my way in less time than it takes to type "OMW".
I used the time it took to drive over there wisely. Using my Bluetooth connection (hands-free is a must for the superheroine on the go), I called Stewart. Stewart went to high school with my brother. He's really brilliant at Google searching, so he can get me the information I need almost instantly. He's also 38 and lives with his parents, so he's almost constantly available.
"Heey, Stewart. Did you see the new "Superman" movie trailer? The CGI looks hot, huh?"
"Yeah, Fannish. "
"So, Stewart, can you do me a favor?"
"Yeah, Fannish. Heh."
And so on. Not much of a conversationalist, is Stewart. Anyway, I had him look up information about recent bank robberies and anything he could find out about the First Citizens Bank. He did well- we determined that there had been three recent bank robberies in the area, all with the same pattern- 2 or 3 guys smashing in a side window. Pictures of First Citizens Banks showed that it, too, had a side window. Fantastic.
I arrived on the scene and saw two guys in black running away from the bank building toward a parked car. A third guy was in the car- lights out, but the engine was idling. I made my move. Sprinting toward the car, I knocked furiously on the driver-side window. Bending low enough to unleash my full powers (sigh), I said innocently, "Excuse me, sir...is this Ceti Alpha Five or Ceti Alpha Six? I'm looking for Khan...."
Enthralled, the guy started rolling down his window, while his two partners in crime scrambled to get into the car. By the time they got his attention, three police cars were rolling into the alley.
With a wink at one of the cops (that's Doug, who dreams about his Everquest girlfriend, even though she's probably played by a dude), I headed back home. My job was done.
posted by Princess Fannish at 6:56 AM
4 Comments:
Greetings Super Dolts! After months of research, (and various unsuccessful attempts) I have found a way to hack into your sickening Do-Gooder Blog-World! It is I, Professor Exasperate, and with my Amazing powers of Annoyance and Provocation, I will rip the very fabric of this city to shreds by creating Anarchy with a force equivalent to a mighty Tsunami!!! (O.K., I know we don't get those here, but work with me.) I challenge-no, I DARE you, Any of you to oppose me and my fiendish plot!
Because I am so confident, I will, in true super villain style take a moment to divulge elements of my plan in order for you to realize just how futile any attempts to stop me will be.
1. I will have my super villain buddies call my cell phone at least 20 times, thus activating my "Hit Me Baby One More Time" ringtone set at maximum volume in various AMC Theaters during showings of Fast and Furious Tokyo Drift"!
2. I will wear the opposing college football team's jersey all day prior to games and for three days afterward! Win or Lose!
3. I will spread gossip at any water coolers I encounter!
4. I will publicly Scrutinize Gay Marriage, and then Support it moments later!
5. And finally, I will KICK every stray dog, and old person I see wandering aimlessly around the city!
This chain of events will set off a shockwave of discontent amongst the city's inhabitants thus sending them out to the streets reducing the city to lawlessness and disorganization! I will then organize the denizens into an army which I will then use to overthrow our local government! From there, Who knows? The possibilities are endless!
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!
(Oh yeah, by the way, if anyone is in the market for an Arch-Nemesis, just shoot me a blog, and I will be happy to provide you with a resume complete with references.)
Thanx.
Oh, it's on.
Professor Exasperate, count yourself lucky that Fannish and the Mime have chosen you.
While you will start to suddenly get many a text message stating, “OMG fannish will so p0wn u. stfu n00b, kthxby.” from her legions of adoring geeks, you will not be bludgeoned by the MagLite of Truth or the MagLite of Justice.
When you are least expecting it, you will find yourself going down a flight of imaginary stairs and then trapped in an invisible box provided by The Mime, but you will not be receiving multiple flashlights to the face.
I already have a nemesis. You guys can have him.
Are you sure this "professor" isn't just Doug the cop, upset about you slandering his "girlfriend"? Seems a trifle coincedental to me....
~Octavia, Empress of Mars
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