I do too have a Nemesis

I guess I should clarify some stuff since we had an honest to goodness super villain ask for a nemesis. I have an arch foe, a nemesis, someone to battle on a regular basis. But I think to really understand who and what the foe means to me, I must give you some background as to who I am and how I have become what I am today.

My origins are deep and troubling. Now, not quite as deep and troubling as seeing your parents gunned down for a pearl necklace in an alley after watching a crappy Zorro movie as was Bat-Man, but deep and troubling nonetheless. I was 10 and me, mom, dad, and my stupid brother Tim were on vacation at Mt Rushmore in the Black Hills of South Dakota. While on the tour, some guy ran into my dad and stole my mother’s purse. This jerk also picked my dad’s pocket prior to snagging mom’s purse. I remember both mom and dad screaming, “Hey, that guy just robbed us!” Then Tim tripped me, because he was a brat. Anyway… the park Rangers for the National Park service were of no use. They tried chasing down the robber, but he got away. Mom and Dad were really upset. This was 17 years ago, prior to the big explosion of ATM cards, but after travelers checks were in vogue, so this guy got a pretty good haul.

I remember one of the tour guides apologizing to mom and dad, “Well, as tour guides we aren’t allowed to carry any weapons. All I had was this flash light, and no criminal will stop just because someone is carrying a flashlight.” That echoed in my head for some reason, “flashlight… flashlight… flashlight… flashlight… flashlight… flashlight…”

Turns out it was Tim just echoing whatever the tour guide said, because later when that very tour guide gave us free hats, he said, “Sorry about you wallet and purse, have some free hats.” And Tim kept repeating hats. He really was a brat.

Anyway… fast forward 13 years. I am a 23 year old college drop out working returns at the local Home Depot, when something that changed my life forever happened. Some low life thug ran in the exit door and snagged the locked cash drawer out of the hands of Cindy, our Point of Sale Customer Representative, before she could open up her POS machine. As I said, I was working returns and someone had just returned a 4 – D Cell Mag Lite. It is not the heftiest of the Mags, but is no light weight either. I used the Mag to trip the guy and said, “You ain’t stealin’ that, Biotch, Boo yah!” He got up and punched me in the face, but he left the cash drawer.

I had a broken nose and a new calling. I was going to fight crime, and I was going to do it with flashlights to prove that tour guide wrong. So for the last 4 years I have been slowly acquiring Mag Lites with my employee discount and climbing the Xtend & Climb Telescoping Ladder Type 1A of retail management at that very same Home Depot. I am now in charge of the lumber area.

Anyway… 2 years ago we started getting a rash of thefts at my Home Depot. Until I decided to stay late one night and apprehend the perp with my flashlights. Around 1 am, September 23, 2004 I heard the door to the store open, even though it had been locked. I crept out of the concealing shadows and spotted my orange clad adversary. I popped one of the 6 Cell spotlights on him and watched as he froze in terror at being apprehended by me. He simply said, “Ah, Mag Lite, is it? I assumed we would meet some day.”

“Yes, I am Mag Lite. I shine light on the darkness, in my right hand I hold Justice and in my left…”
“Oh, shut it!”
“Did you just interrupt me?”
“Yes, of course I did, you were prattling on about Truth, Justice, and the American way or some such crap. Listen, I am the Home Despot, and I have targeted this retail establishment to be the beach head of my campaign against commercial monopalism. You see, my flashlight wielding foe, I steal from the mega retailers and give to the brick and mortar hardware stores.”
“Why the Hell do you do that?”
“I was getting to that, now stop interrupting.”
“But, you interrupted me first.”
“Oh, shut up, will you? I am educating you about my diabolicalism.”
“Fine, fine, just so you know I will whallup you good with one of my Mag Lites.”
“Anyway… before you rudely interrupted, I will bring down the very basis of commercial capitalism by removing the home improvement monopolies one at a time. This Home Depot will fall and then I will go after the Lowe’s down the street, all the while bolstering Freda and Max’s Hardward Plus on 14^th Street downtown.”
“Umm… why don’t you go after Wal-Mart? They are the equivalent to a monopolistic devil?”
“Too big.”
“Can I hit you with my flashlight now?”
“You can try…”

With that he was off with a bound and running through the plumbing section grabbing fittings and stuffing them in them in his pockets. All the while he was laughing maniacally. When he was in the middle of the aisle, I threw one of my 2-D cell Mags at him and hit him in the leg. He spun around and showered the floor with ball bearings that he had clearly stolen previously. I launched another flashlight at him, but he blocked it deftly with a toilet lid. I moved forward to hit him on the head with one of my bigger flashlights and slipped on the ball bearings. I bet Bat-Man wouldn’t have slipped, but Bat-Man wasn’t there, I was. He flipped me off, and limped out of the store while I continued to try and not slip and fall on all the ball bearings. It is too bad he did not do this in cleaning supplies, I would have made short work of these slippery frictionless bearings if I could reach a broom.

The paging system came to life with his disembodied voice saying, “Farewell Mag Lite. We will meet again. Clean up in Plumbing.”

We have met many times since then. So, Professor Exasperate, while your offer is kind, I already have a nemesis. His name is The Home Despot.