The Mountie

So, I don’t tend to like to team up with anyone. I am a solitary bastion of Justice. I am a dark loner, exacting revenge on an un-just world. I like to shine my Mag Lites into the face of evil and have evil know that they are up against Mag Lite and Mag Lite alone. So typically I don’t team up with anyone.

Not that people haven’t tried for the odd occasional pairing. I swear, if the dark Shroud of Infallible Justice asks me to be his sidekick one more time… Listen, dude, just because you have the ability to hide in shadows and turn into a smoky cloud at will doesn’t mean I am the one who should cast shadows for you from my Mag Lites’ wide angle setting. Okay, get off of it.

Anyway, the other day, I think it was Thursday, the Mountie asked me to help him with some fruit smugglers. As I said, typically, I wouldn’t team up with anyone, but the Mountie is just so damn polite. He approached me all “hat in his hands” and just as politely as possible asked if I could help. It really was just super sweet, and he really made it seem like he would not succeed with out my help. I reluctantly agreed to help him out, because, who can turn down a Mountie with his hat in his hands.

We were off like a shot to a freighter ready to leave for Canada. It wasn’t a terribly big boat, but it was big enough to have a cargo hold. I turn off all the Mag’s that I am carrying and start to creep up the gangway and try not to be noticed. Hey, it is dark out, and I wear all black so I was doing great, but the Mountie just walks directly up the walkway in his bright red coat and basically asks the guard on the boat to see the ship’s captain and their manifest. I was going to just whack the guy over the head and hide him under some stairs or something.

This is the odd part, the armed guard doesn’t pump slugs into the Canadian do-gooder (or me) but says that he will be more than happy to get the captain. A bearded man approached us in his navy pea coat and asked, “What’s this all aboat, eh?” He chuckled a hearty chuckle that sounded like he had seen a lot of time in the elements, and then said, “Just playing with ya, Mountie. How can I help yas?”

Well, good sir, I heard a rumour that you might be planning to bring undocumented fruit cargo into the fair country of Canada. So I decided on behalf of the Canadian Commonwealth and all that is good in Hockey to take a look for myself. My colleague and I need to search through your cargo hold. Mag Lite, I would like to introduce you to Captain?...

Simmons.

Yes, Captain Simmons, this is one of my American counterparts, Mag Lite.

Pleased to meet ya, Magsie.

Please call me Mag Lite, I didn’t spend over $800 dollars on various Mag Lites to be called “Magsie.” That isn’t even getting into how much I spent on other gear. This super-heroing stuff ain’t cheap.

Anyway, the captain shows us into the dim interior of his stuffed cargo hold, and this is where it hits me. I am not here to help the Mountie out with a fight of epic proportions, I am simply here to illuminate the cargo hold while he searches it… for 4 hours. Here I am being someone’s spotlight bitch… AGAIN!

Mag Lite, would you do me a favour and illumin that box over there?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

I put 2 spots on the box he indicated while he closed in on the crate and read the crate’s label. Washington’s Finest Apples: Red Delicious, 1 bushel.

Here we are. Mag Lite, if you would like the honour of confiscating this illegal contraband, we can be on our way.

Wait a second, we searched this entire cargo hold for 1 measily crate of apples, AND you want me to carry it?!?!

The honour is yours, you have earned it.

Great

So I pick up the crate of apples and we leave the cargo hold. I have to help open up the Home Depot Friday morning, so I have just wasted an entire evening being a spotlight bitch for the politest super hero I have ever had to work with.

Turns out there were 3 jewelry store robberies, 7 ATM’s stolen, and 3 warehouse fires that occurred in the 4 hours I was “helping” out the Mountie.